Don’t be nice, be authentic

A people-pleaser’s guide to leadership

This is an unusual topic for a blog focused on growing as a software engineer. Why am I writing about this? One of the things that kept me from the senior engineer promotion was my people-pleasing tendency. I wish I had realized sooner that I needed to get over this shortcoming to demonstrate the leadership skills required for the promotion - it would’ve saved me a lot of time. This article is the advice I would’ve given my past self.

⁉️ Are you a people-pleaser?

If you answer “yes” to any of the following questions, you probably have some people-pleasing tendencies:

• Do you stay away from conflict and confrontation at all costs?

• Is the approval of people around you, especially your seniors, important to you?

• Do you rarely express criticism of others even if you don’t agree with their methods?

• Do you struggle to voice your concerns in a group setting?

🧐 Why can’t a people-pleaser be an effective leader?

😮‍💨 Making difficult calls

People-pleasers tend to try to make everyone happy, rather than make independent decisions based on the right factors.

But a leader must sometimes make difficult decisions for the benefit of the company or customer even though it means not everyone will approve of it. Let’s go over some examples for a senior engineer:

• A customer is pushing for more features, but the senior engineer says no in order to prioritize delivering a quality product.

• The engineering manager Is trying to hire a candidate who doesn’t have the right technical skills, but the senior engineer says no because the candidate will not be set up for success if hired.

• The team opinion is split on a technology choice, and the senior engineer makes a decision based on the data.

👩‍⚖️ Earning Trust

Your coworkers will eventually figure out that your responses are tailored to what people will approve of - that they aren’t authentic. This will make them quickly lose trust in you. It’s hard to trust someone who is pretending to be someone else, even if it is to keep everyone happy.

You can’t be a leader if your team doesn’t trust you.

🎖️How can I get over the disease to please?

Hopefully you’re now convinced that people pleasing tendencies are hurting your chances of becoming an effective leader. Here are some ways to get over them and start being authentic:

💪 ❤️ Understand the “Courage and Kindness” formula

This is the key to being yourself without being a jerk. Have the courage to speak your mind, while demonstrating kindness in the form of using respectful language. Read my previous article on Disagreeing Respectfully for some ideas on how to put this into practice.

📚 Prepare, prepare, prepare

If you’re about to attend a review meeting for someone else’s work - ask for the materials beforehand so you can form your own opinions without being biased. Practice conveying your feedback verbally before the meeting.

It also helps to role-play difficult conversations in advance. For example if you need to deliver constructive criticism, role-play it with a friend or even yourself. This will help you feel less anxious and be more authentic in your actual delivery of the feedback.

⏰ Buy time

It can be hard for a people-pleaser to convey their genuine thoughts when caught off-guard. If possible, say “Can I get back to you on this?” so that you can go away and practice what you actually want to say. This isn’t ideal, but is way better than pretending to agree with someone when you actually don’t.

🥺 Get out of your comfort zone

Consciously put yourself into situations where you don’t/can’t get people’s approval. For me, this was to play sports (which I’m awful at) and to practice speaking Italian (which I’m very new to). For you, it could be taking a dance class or singing karaoke perhaps?

😎 Fake it until you make it

You will need to push yourself to speak your mind even when you’re uncomfortable, especially in the beginning. Do this until this becomes your default behavior.

📚More recommended reading on the topic:

• Not nice - Dr Aziz Gazipura

• The disease to please - Harriet Braiker

• Nice girls don’t get the corner office - Lois Frankel

• Girl wash your face - Rachel Hollis

• The subtle art of not giving a f*ck - Mark Manson

• The art of saying no - Damon Zahariades

• I haven’t read this one yet but comes highly recommended by trusted sources - Radical candor

❤️ My favorite things this week

Job Openings

• Test Automation Lead - Ordergroove (Remote, United States $140k - $170k)

• Lead Software Engineer - M7 Health (Hybrid, New York City $105k - $185k)

• Staff Software Engineer - OneSignal (Remote, United States $120k - $180k)

• Senior Software Engineer - Speechify (Remote - Europe or Asia)

Book

I’ve gotten halfway through The 4 Hour Workweek. As I embark on my creator journey, it is interesting to understand unconventional career paths. Hoping to open myself up to new possibilities!

Podcast

Ali Abdaal discusses the importance of building a personal brand for any business with Chris Ducker, entrepreneur and business mentor.